Garden Humour (Hortus facetiae). The aphids are coming, the aphids are coming
    The Mad Ones! 

    Recognize yourself?

    I can't drive by a house without mentally replanting the front yard...I go on every garden tour I can...Bliss is having dirty hands, a sweaty tshirt and a sore back after an afternoon in the garden.  I've told my family that when I am 102 years old they can find me keeled over between the tomato plants. ~ Barb in Colarado

    I was so obsessed with gardening that when I got divorced I made it a goal to find a guy that knew about the nursery business that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and used my divorce settlement to open a nursery with him....How's that for obsessed? ~ Sherry in Texas

    My husband actually tells me that I am an addicted gardener.  I often forget to eat when I am involved in my gardening, and starting the beginning of February I become very grouchy (add another very on that) because I can not be outside planting something. ~ Theresa in Saskatchewan, Canada

    My family is surprised to see me in November. I then disappear in May to return the following November. ~ Sore Knees in Michigan, USA

    Gardening is what I do. Gardening and only gardening. Minus 20 Celsius and complete darkness doesn`t stop me! ~ Randi from just north of the artic circle in Norway

    The Veggies Make me do it! ~ Sylvia in Ontario, Canada

    I have to stop at every garden centre in town including home improvements stores. I spend winters slobbering over seed catalogues and doodling garden designs on everything in sight, including the kids homework. I rip up every inch of the yard millions times over till I am happy with the outcome. ~ Lori somewhere in Canada

    All my trees have people names, so friends think I always have friends to talk to when I say "Yesterday, I was speaking to Paul about the dry weather" (Paul is a 70 year old twisted hazelnut tree!). ~ Sue of Sussex, UK

    One month after an operation on my back and even though I was told to be very careful and not lift anything heavy, I was slowly dragging heavy containers across my deck because my plants didn't seem to enjoy their original location. Hey, dragging is not the same as lifting, right? ~ Ana in Brussels, Belgium

    Balancing on one crutch, digging holes to plant tomatoes in June. ~ Diane in Saskatchewan, Canada

    I will garden until I can no longer stand straight.  I traded my therapist for my backyard. ~ Dina of Modesto, California, USA

    I will go out to the garden in the morning in my PJs to see how everything is. I stop to pick a weed (or so I think), and I'm still there in my PJs at two in the afternoon, still in my PJs. ~ Kathy of Wyoming, USA

    I have a flower shop in Mannheim, Germany . . . this is mad enough. ~ Brian

    I retired three years ago and promptly started working at my favorite nursery -- primarily for the 20% employee discount. ~ Judith of Alabaster, Alabama, USA

    I bought four coleus plants eight months ago. I couldn't even spell propagation, and now I have 400 of the little devils!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ Kenneth

    This past weekend, Friday to Sunday, I spent entire paycheck -- 36 + hrs trying to regain a front yard. And yes, had the nerve to email my husband and ask him to pick up another 300lb of cow compost, more cypress mulch, and of course landscape timbers . . . Groceries, who needs groceries? Didn't he see the veggie/herb garden I planted this weekend .. . Told him not to worry about any plants (I'm picking them up on my way home). ~ Sheila in N.W. Florida

    I don't usually keep secrets from my husband, but I never show him my receipt when returning from the gardening center. ~ Laurie in (better not say)

    I work at a garden center 10-12 hours a day 6 days a week and still consume my free time with gardening. It truley is a 24 hour obsession for me. ~ Lori in Allentown PA USA

    Dirt under my nails, the growlights in my bedroom, the floodlight in my yard . . . you know, night time gardening. ~ Rosa in Alberta, Canada

    I think moving 300 or so plants from one house to another counts! ~ Mary

    The dirt under my nails is layered in strata.  My favorite cologne is eau de earth.  I garden by flashlight. ~ Fran

    In the many winter months that I can't garden, I still eat, sleep, walk and talk gardening. My friends can't wait until it's time for me to plant my seeds, so that I'll at least be spending time doing something more than talking about it! ~ Big Mama in S.E. Michigan

    I challenge the the zone criterias..I collect grow and GIVE away..collect more..change my beds at least every two years...buy/borrow/collect plants then decide where they are to go and so on and so on. Now I have a pond to work on (14x20 with a 5ft waterfall) yeah!! Plus my job is to look after other people's yards. HaHaHaHaHaHa ~ Chris in Northern BC Canada

    There is no such thing as a sane gardener in the west of Ireland.  All sanity leached out of us in the rain. ~ Annette

    The fact that even after having 25,000 sq ft of garden, I still want to expand. ~ Trish

    When I am really stressed out, I go out into the garden with a flashlight and start pulling weeds until my husband comes out to find me.  I write about gardening and read every book about gardening I can find. I re-do my garden plan every few years or so. I go out there with my coffee in the morning just to talk to my plants and wander back to the house hours later with dirt under my fingernails. ~ Barbara

    My wfe reckon she is married to a plant. All I talk about is my garden and what I can do to make it look even better. I never say no to free plants and I feel that there is no such thing as an ugly plant. Some are just more beautiful than others. ~ Darron

    I never met a plant I didn't want. ~ Sandra

    Cause I garden in Saskatchewan, the province where hell freezes over every winter. ~ Anne Marie

    I'm not a mad gardener, I'm a sane gardener.  I'm only insane when I'm out of the garden. ~ Shannon

    When I am really stressed out, I go out into the garden with a flashlight and start pulling weeds until my husband comes out to find me.  I write about gardening, read every book about gardening I can find. I re-do my garden plan every few years or so. I go out there with my coffee in the morning just to talk to my plants and wander back to the house hours later with dirt under my fingernails. ~ Barbara

    I talk to my plants and play classical music for them.  ~ John

    My husband is crying "no more flowers, no more of anything with flowers on," but I can't hear because I am in the winterg arden preparing for more flowers!!!!!! ~ Elvy

    I pull more weeds in other people's gardens than I do in my own. ~ Bob

    I can't seem to finish remodeling my house because my plants need so much attention.~ Christopher

    My wife reckons she is married to a plant. All I talk about is my garden and what I can do to make it look even better. I never say no to free plants and I feel that there is no such thing as an ugly plant. Some are just more beautiful than others. ~ Darren

    I live, breath, walk, talk . . . gardening. ~ Pam

    I think moving 300 or so plants from one house to another makes me a mad gardener! ~ Mary

    I end up getting seeds every where I go -- I come home with cuttings from perfect strangers, and in the spring people are pretty much scared to come onto the street cause they know they will end up with armloads of seedlings to take home.  At least they aren't cucumbers! ~ Rita

    Growing . . . growing old, excited, cuttings, seeds, happy, fatter, dirtier, smarter. Gardening madness helps me to grow all these and many more! ~ Quentin

    I design gardens for other people just so I can go back later and propagate the plants.
    ~ Rebecca

    Let's just say, my husband often brings out a shop light so that I can continue to see what I'm doing.  :) ~ Laurie

    OBSESSED.. that is what my family says I am.  I am determined to irradicate every blade of grass from our Florida lawn and replace it with plants for birds and butterflies.
    ~ MzMunchken

    I have childhood memories of being in the car with Mom on the way to nurseries, her knuckles whiter on the steering wheel, speedometer clicking ever higher, breath coming faster . . . I dont really think of myself as mad, just that I'm a bit like my mother. ~ Mewa

    getting up at 3 am to widen a border so the family didn't catch me removing yet more lawn. I'm banned from doing that :-) ~ Laurie

    There isn’t a bare spot in my house. I have plants on every surface — tables, chairs, floors, windowsills, husband’s bar, everywhere. There’s no lawn left. I’ve even moved onto my neighbor’s property.  ~ Teresa

    I hasten to assure you that I have the official mad gardener salute down pat, having practiced it for the past 40 years! ~ Rita

    My husband says I'm nuts, the driveway never has room for cars because it is my "plant holding area" prior to placement in my garden.  My car is loaded with automatic pilot to any and all nurseries. ~ Amy Sue

    I am obssessed . . . can't think about anything much other than my garden. Hard to pass the garden centres without stopping in to see if a plant says "take me home." ~ Carol

    I spend more time thinking of and planning where I can use or obtain more plants than I spend on what to have foe dinner. ~ Karen

    I bought 4 coleus plants 8 months ago. I couldn't even spell propagation, now I have 400 of the little devils!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ Kenneth

    I garden in all weather. I love all plants/shrubs/bulbs/birds etc etc. I only relate to garden people. I would rather go to a nursery than to a pub! ~ Lana

    I start sowing too early in my kitchen and anywhere, if there is room for my seedpots. And then, after a month, I have to start again because the plants run to tiny and thin, it is not enough light in Stockholm in January, but I never learn. ~ Gun in Stockholm

    I have an obsessive desire to grow plants of every variety and description anywhere I can find a patch of soil! ~ Heather in upstate New York

    Compost is an "Article of Faith" for me, I explain most personal growth experiences in terms of seeds, I suffer the injustices of the garden Nazis poorly, I can't throw prunings away -- if I can't use them as cuttings, they go in my compost; I practice "salvage botany" with other people's cast off plants.
    ~ Ellie in Texas
     

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