The phone calls are coming in now, always at suppertime, always when my mouth is full. It's a sure sign of spring — strangers from all over the city begging to take care of my lawn. I resent this. I kinda like taking care of the little bit of lawn I have myself — that's why I'm a gardener.

I tell the callers this very politely, but they don't seem to understand. Sometimes I say, "How dare you suggest my carpets need cleaning!" This usually throws them, giving me the opportunity to hang up. I could just hang up anyway I suppose, but given the number of calls I get it could easily become a habit, then I might find myself hanging up on the important ones — like Publisher's Clearing House phoning about the fifteen million they promised me. I'd hate to hang up on that call. Lawn care is obviously big business.

I suppose this indicates there are an awful lot of non-gardeners out there with lawns that need care. It's a shame they aren't put to better use, other than providing a place for toxic waste disposal (oops, I'm revealing a slight bias* here). Of course there is an organic solution — old goats. They'd a fantastic job of lawn care (I don't mean retirees, although it would be a better way to get exercise than hanging out at the mall upsetting security guards).

No, what I mean is an environmentally friendly lawn care company. They would drop off a goat for a couple of days, then pick it up again after the grass has been cut and fertilized — perfect. For a little extra the goats could wear spiky hoof adapters and aerate, too. I doubt this would stop the pesky phone calls, but they'd sure be honest wouldn't they... "Hi, this is the Get Your Goat lawn care company" — sound familiar?

* You may have noticed I lean towards an organic approach to gardening. I just don't think it's a good idea, or necessary, to use so many chemical products in the garden. Organic gardening works for me, but I'm not going to preach about it. I much prefer to lead by example. 'Course I could always be swayed by a good argument — like a phone call from someone claiming to be a representative of Publishers Clearing House with a check for fifteen million dollars — banner advertising anyone? Call for rates.