| 1. Man grows giant carrots --
is attacked by
giant rabbit! ~ Dibble |
| 2. Hillary Finds Alien Baby
Growing in Giant
Pea Pod -- Claims She Couldn't Stay Awake Through Convention! Al Says
It's
First Sign of Global Warming ~ Xena |
| 3. The day I planted my
broccoli -- The day my
broccoli was gone ~ Valerie |
| 4. Harrowing' - What does it
lead to? ~ Katrina |
| 5. Man strangled by giant corn
silks. Corny news
account. ~ Bob |
| 6. SNOBBY,
CHAUVINIST MONARCH BUTTERFLIES
LIGHT ON ARTEMESIA SILVER KING ONLY. ~ Ginette |
| 7. AMAZING NEW SPECIES OF
SUNFLOWER "CN TOWER"
GROWS A SPECTACULAR 553 METRES TALL! BREEDER CONSIDERING OPENING
A REVOLVING RESTAURANT AT THE TOP FOR BEES ONLY. ~ Ginette |
| 8. Slugs Linked to New Cancer
Cure ~ Mary |
9. EXTRA! EXTRA! North
side gardener gives
new meaning to CAT SCAN.
Medical field refuses comment on
influx of canned
cats. SPCA up in arms at her misunderstanding of the Drs. orders. ~ Jeanne |
| 10. Woman attacked by slugs;
after ravaging hostas
and all other green plant materials, slugs turn on humans in mad
rampage.
~ Barbara |
| 11. Man puts curse on Rabbit -
Rabbit turns to
stone ~ Carol |
| 12. "It was unbelievable . .
." the horrified
woman exclaimed, "I found my eggplant in the raised bed -- with the
zucchini!"
~ Jen |
| 13. Canadian Military Vehicles
Impounded Crossing
U.S. Border! Agents Discover Black Market Zucchinis! Mad Gardener Cult
Implicated in Scheme to Export Ontario Green! ~ Xena |
| 14. George Dubyah Promises
Vouchers For Cukes!
Candidate Declares A Zucchini in Every Pot! Party of Compassion Will
Restore
Gravitas to Lunch. ~ Xena |
15. 8 TONNES SOFT CHICKEN
MANURE ON THE MOVE
DOWNHILL.
Army Chief says: "We have fought
lava flows,
but this is awesome." ~ Beryl |
| 16. Gardener's suffer from
strange fungal infection:
Doctors believe it mutation of Black Spot from roses. ~ Cate |
| 17. ANIMAL FREE MANURE KEEPS
GARDENERS' SKIN
SMOOTH & SILKY - NO BULL! ~ Genette |
| 18. Space travel rendered
obsolete! Seeds for
Jack's bean stalk found in ancient Inca tomb! ~ Bridgette |
| 19. SLUG-FEST: GET AN AEROBIC
WORK-OUT WHILE
DOING BATTLE WITH THE SOVEREIGNS OF SLIME. ~ Ginette |
| 20. ELECTRICITY CUT OFF AFTER
SNAILS EAT BILLS
"I should harvest these guys" says SthnCross of Australia whose bills
WERE
eaten (partially) by snails. ~ Sthncross |
| 21. MONET'S GARDEN NEVER LOOKED
LIKE THIS:
SPRAY-ON "FLOWER PAINT" GIVES YOUR PALE PANSIES A PUNCH AND ADDS ZIP TO
YOUR ZINNIAS! ~ Ginnette |
| 22. GIANT ZUCCHINI STRIKES BACK
- Local gardener
famous for dumping zucchini on neighbours' doorsteps found strangled by
vine in garden. ~ Janet |
| 23. BIZARRE SCHOOL INCIDENT
Enormous zucchini
muffin in Principal's chair yelled, "You call this a report? I call it
a poison pancake." Suddenly hugh pancakes crashed through ceiling
crushing student eating zucchini. ~ Bernice |
| 24. CATS & CAT MINT
CROSSBREEDING EXPERIMENT
GONE CRAZY - NEW FURRY PLANT ACTUALLY PURRS! ~ Ginette |
| 25. Sevin Dust renamed Aight
Dust because of
inflation. ~ Hugh |
| 26. "NON COMPANION" PLANTS:
FRENCH LAVENDER AND
ENGLISH DAISY UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE. ~ Ginette |
| 27. "Rapid growing watermelon
vine drags man
for five miles, causing severe injuries requiring hospitalization" ~ Stanley |
| 28. RELIGIOUS VEGETABLES??
LETTUCE PRAY! ~ Ginette |
| 29. The Plot Thickens in Your
Own Backyard: Friends
Dig up the Dirt on Each Other and Spread Manure in Their Own Beds ~ Deb |
| 30. BIZARRE SINGING INSECTS
DISCOVERED IN LIVERPOOL
GARDEN. ENTOMOLOGIST TO NAME THEM "BEATLES". ~ Ginette |
| 31. ELUSIVE THREE EYED GARDEN
MONSTER FINALLY
CAPTURED AND EXAMINED: APPARENTLY HIS VISION IS 20-20-20. ~ Ginette |
32. This just in . . . The
Scientists in Yorkishberg
just discovered that dirt is in fact is BAD for your gardens. It
actually
enables the plants to grow. Everyone should now plant their plants in
air.
DO NOT let them touch the ground. But, of course, the people in
Yorkishberg
eat plants that are unhealthy and dead.
~ Robyn |
33. Incredible Hulk wins Green
Thumb Award at
annual Gardening Convention
-- Martians said to be enraged. ~ Ryan |
| 34. Sydney Olympic Coup De
Grass -- torch to
be fuelled with eucalyptus oil. "Can be smelled in space." says MIR
cosmonauts! Brian |
| 35. Extra Extra Extra -
Harry Potter meets
his match! Giant killer tomato, believed to be a mutant Brandy wine
variety,
squashes young wizard. ~ Linda |
| 36. Giant Barrie slug attacks
local pets. Posse
armed with shotguns patrolling neighbourhood yards. ~ John |
| 37. Potato Farmer Found Mashed!
~ Pat |
38. "Gardeners riot as rumours
of losing their
cloching rights circulate!!"
Denver, Colorado. The AP reported
yesterday that
rioting gardeners were seen in the streets of Denver. "We have a right
to cloche!!" one gardener was heard to yell. Others were chanting,
"a-b-c-d,
we want to cloche for free! 1-2-3-4, we gonna cloche some more!!!"
Officials for Denver Urban Gardens
had "no comment"
for the press as of today. ~ Jani |
| 39. Carrots have deeply rooted
suspicion of gardeners.
~ Jenny |
40. Mint Employee Accused of
Theft PHILADELPHIA
(AP)
-- MJ Labia tae of the US Mint
Company stole
and sold mint that had been cultivated incorrectly, raking in about
$80,000.
~ Rizme |
41. Bush Defensive About Cut
Plan
PEORIA, Ill. (AP) - The Bush
acknowledged today
he hasn't convinced gardeners that plants can avoid a cut plan after
shoring
up vines. He also continued to argue about fall defoliation. ``I
have got to do a better job of making it clear'' that expected
defoliation
will allow for the new growth next year. ~ Rizme |
| 42. Bleeding Hearts found in
Cemetery Garden!
~ Karen |
43. Canadian Explorers Found
Alive In Northern
Garden!
Remarkably, David Thompson and
Alexander Mackenzie
were found in a zone 2a garden in the Chinook region of Canada, known
to
suffer brutal freeze thaw cycles. Locals were pleased to report seeing
their return every spring. "They are pretty tough characters,"
commented
one gardener. ~ karen |
| 44. Love Lies Bleeding Over The
Garden Gate!
~ Karen |
| 45. Local Mail Carriers
Implicated In Garden
Tour Scandal! ~ Karen |
| 46. Mad Gardener Scares Hares
With Hair! ~ Karen |
| 47. Giant mole attempts to
carry off poodle from
Barrie garden. ~ John |
| 48. Martha Stewart
propagates new species
of talking cactus! Its first words: "I'm so picky!" ~ Ginette |
| 49. Quint daughters born to
Flora Green of Gardenia,
CA.; welcome Daisy, Violet, Lily, Rose and Ivy! Big brother Basil not
too
thrilled. ~ Ginette |
| 50. Patent issued for fruit
tree "bra" - helps
keep heavy harvest aloft & healthy. Inventor's quote: "What a
pear!"
~ Ginette |
| 51. Transylvanian Gardener
Adamantly Refuses
To Grow Garlic. ~ Ginette |
52. Mutant "Two-lips" Have
Tongues & Teeth
Instead Of Stamens & Pistils!
~ Ginette |
| 53. Hysteria at Convention
Centre: Garden Show
and Arachnophobia Conference in Adjacent Rooms. ~ Ginette |
| 54. Christmas Cancelled! Santa
Claus Poisoned
by Poinsettia Salad at Gala. "Should Have Used Arugela", Chef. ~ Ginette |
| 55. POTATOES GROWN IN OAT STRAW
. . . gardener
states potatoes were puny but she had a bumper crop of oats! ~ Caroline |
| 56. Alien Vegetable captured by
gardener states,
"PEAS RELEASE ME LETTUS GO, & I WON'T TURNIP ANYMORE" ~ Sharon |
| 57. "YES, I'M THE GRAPE
PRETENDER!" sings
dried raisin. ~ Sharon |
| 58. TROWEL SCOOPS UP THE LATEST
DIRT! ~ Sharon |
| 59. Giant Monarch butterfly
attempts to carry
off Barrie poodle. ~ John |
| 60. Mad Gardener refuses to
listen to sage advice;
said he didn't have the thyme. ~ Cricket |
| 61. "SNOW IN SUMMER!!!" ~ Karen |
| 62. First 'Moon Garden' ready
for harvest.
Astronauts say, "It tastes like chicken". ~ Ella |
| 63. Pepper plant hunter
swallowed by alien tomatoes.
~ Nancy |
| 64. King-sized Tomatoes
Frighten Neighbourhood
Children Grotesque monster tomatoes have grown on 10 ft. vines and
mothers
report their children refuse to play outdoors in case they encounter
the
red monsters that have caused nightmares. ~ Liz |
| 65. DEVELOPER BULLDOZES OUT THE
TREES, THEN NAMES
STREETS AFTER THEM... ~ Janet |
66. MISUNDERSTOOD RABBIT
ADDICTED TO HARE RESTORER
!
~ Beryl |
67. Pistil exclaims, "There's a
Stigma attached
to being a pollen receiver!"
~ Doris |
| 68. Lilac warns locals:
"There's a Sucker born
every minute!" ~ Doris |
| 69. Roving Mushroom Claims To
Be A Fun Guy ~ Doris |
| 70. |
| 71. Trees Reveal "The Secret To
Being Poplar"!
~ Karen |
| 72. Mother Nature Fights
Back: Millions
attacked by allergies as Mother Nature battles pesticides, herbicides,
and other toxic waste. ~ Heather |
| 73. NEIGHBOURHOOD LADY CAUGHT
STEALING CHICKS!
-- Lady pretending to tie her shoe lace was caught picking Hen's and
Chick
babies from a neighbour's Rock garden. ~ Douglas |
| 74. Don't be duped by the claim
that variegated
Hostas are easy and maintenance free perennials! Beautiful variegated
shade
loving leaves, are a tender treat for pesky hosta-LOVING slugs . . .
UGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
~ Douglas |
| 75. Woman in serious trouble
for growing and
attempting to sell Green Bananas! Husband held captive, forced to act
like
Tarzan! ~ Gloria |
76. Santa Claus voted world's
best gardener!
Does a lot of Ho Ho Hoeing.
~ John |
| 77. Man trips into
prize-winning spring flower
display -- Now pushing up tulips! ~ Angie |
| 78. SNOW IN SUMMER!!! ~ Mark |
| 79. Local surgeon performs
radical surgery on
cranberry bush. Wife agrees to transplant, gory details later. ~ Sal |
| 80. NEWS FLASH . . . 2000
MILLENNIUM SLUGS INVADE
A SMALL TOWN IN THE INTERIOR OF B.C. CANADA . . . NEW GARDENER LEFT
LEAFLESS
~ Sylvia |
| 81. "FLY TRAPS" Do they really
invite more flies,
and even big rats? (ad in 'Survivor magazine) ~ JJ |
| 82. |
83. Neighbours complain!
Dogwood barking
all night and keeping them awake.
~ Candace |
| 84. This flower is so pretty ~ Stephanie |
| 85. Anyone for more pasta al
fungi? Diner reports:
"I was innocently eating my pasta, speared an oyster mushroom and there
hidden underneath, a prize-size pearl.: ~ Hayley |
| 86. Cases of abuse taken to
Supreme Court:
spuds rally together in protest against being mashed, whipped, grilled
and roasted. ~ Hayley |
| 87. Apples 'round-up' in anger
while pears gleefully
gloat: "How dare doctors report our well rounded shape can affect our
heart."
say the Cox Clan. ~ Hayley |
| 88. Johns Hopkins Medical
School (UPI) - - Latest
longevity studies indicate that old gardeners don't die! They
just
spade away! ~ Linda |
89. Dandelion eating
chickweed developed!
But who will plant it?
~ Goddessofdirt |
| 90. Gardener Charged For
Working In The Nude.
"I'll give them something to see!" (He was protesting his
neighbours
new yard lights . . . no, I did not even have to make this up!) ~ Lisa |
91. Scandal in the county . . .
Local corn grower
admits to having an ear fetish.
~ Jo-Ann |
| 92. Dog attacks topiary cat! ~
Dibble |
| 93. Topiary cat takes over
children's sandbox.
Sharpshearer from SWAT team called in. ~ Ellen |
See entries from previous contests here 
