Terrible
Gardening Jokes
The best way to garden is to put on a
wide brimmed straw hat and some old
clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a
cold drink in the other, tell somebody
else where to dig. How to stop a dog from digging in a
garden. Start right! Never let the dog see
you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do
Successful bonsai grower had to move to a
house with a smaller garden.
Someone keeps dumping soil all over my
allotment. I don't know who's doing it;
the plot thickens.
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because
they cantaloupe.
Two friars are having trouble paying off
the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from
the men of God so business is quickly
booming. The florist across town sees a huge
drop in sales and asks the two friars to
close their shop, but they refuse. A month later the florist begs the
friars to close because he’s having
trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist
hires Hugh McTaggert. Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug
in town and is hired to “persuade” the
friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their
florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to
beat the crap out of them and wreck their
shop every day they remain open, so they
close. This proves once again that Hugh and
only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
New gardeners learn by by trowel and
error. AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants
for 3 months." . . . do they come back to life
then as zomby ants? I left packet a of seeds in my
pocket and my coat turned into a Chia
jacket Compost
is best aged a little like a fine wine.
I mean, would you prefer to drink a nice
97, or something that was made last
Thursday. Grow your own dope........Plant
a man ~Faye If I could only grow green stuff in
my garden like I can in my refrigerator Two older ladies were sitting on a
park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so
boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right
now and streak through that stupid flower
show!" "You're on!" said the other old
lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first
little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked
through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon
heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady
burst out through the door surrounded by a
cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting
friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best
Dried Arrangement." The cat was hoist on his own petard
while swinging from trees in the
yard he did many tricks even pausing for licks but got hung out on his own leotard
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull
on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Joan I'm a gardener and I'm OK I sleep all night and I plant all
day! I dress in grubby clothing, and
hang around with slugs. Oh I'm happy in the garden With dirt and plants and bugs .
. . (to the tune
of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack") Why do potatoes make good
detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
A toddler who was found chewing
on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust
the parent said, "Well . . . What does it taste
like?" "Worms," was the reply. Spring
does not arrive until the ice is out of
the compost heap. Winter
does not arrive until the ice is IN the
compost. Until then, all bets
are off. ~ Ellen, MG. Another unwritten rule of gardening
-- any self-respecting rock will break at
least one shovel before accepting its new
home. Compostaphile and Compostaphobe
-- To rot or not to rot . . . Headline: Dog attacks topiary cat. Sometimes what a man says, says
more about the man. Here is a quote from President
George Bush in 1990: "I do not like broccoli. And haven't
liked it since I was a little kid and my
mother made me eat it. I'm President of
the United States and I'm not going to eat
any more broccoli.". . . Umm! A weed is a plant that has mastered
every survival skill except for learning how to grow
in rows. The four seasons are salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit
salad Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started,
emit foul smells and don't work half the
time. Every garden is unique with a
multitude of choices of soils, plants and
themes. Finding your garden theme is as
easy as seeing what brings a smile to your
face -- Teresa Watkins A good compost pile should get hot
enough to poach an egg, but not so hot it would cook a
lobster. Gardening requires a lot of water -
most of it in the form of perspiration. A Veggie New Age Song: Peas would rule the planets, and
love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of
Asparagus, age of asparagus The difference between weeds and
flowers is the weeds are the easiest ones
to pull out. What's green and walks through
walls? Casper the friendly cucumber.
Man at the market: "My
wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables.
Have these been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?"
"No," replied the gardener,"you'll
have to do that yourself."
