The best way to garden is to put on
a wide brimmed straw hat and some old
clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a
cold drink in the other, tell somebody
else where to dig. How to stop a dog from digging in a
garden. Start right! Never let the dog see
you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
Why do melons have fancy weddings?Because they cantaloupe.
Two friars are having trouble paying off
the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone
wants to buy flowers from the men of God
so business is quickly booming. The
florist across town sees a huge drop in
sales and asks the two friars to close
their shop,
but they refuse. A month
later the florist begs the friars to close
because he’s having trouble feeding his
family. Again,
they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh
McTaggert. Hugh is
the roughest, toughest thug in town and is
hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks
the friars to close their florist shop. When they
refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out
of them and wreck their shop every day
they remain open, so they close. This
proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh
can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul Grass is just a flower bed in waiting New gardeners learn by by trowel and
error.
AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants for 3
months."
. . . do they come back to life then? I left packet a of seeds in my pocket and
my coat turned into a Chia jacket Compost is best
aged a little like a fine wine. I mean,
would you prefer to drink a nice 97, or
something that was made last Thursday. Grow your own dope........Plant a man
~Faye If I could only grow green stuff in my
garden like I can in my refrigerator Two older ladies were sitting on a park
bench outside the local town hall where a
flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so
boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right
now and streak through that stupid
flower show!" "You're on!" said the
other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little
old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked
through the front door of the flower
show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard
a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked
lady burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked
her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize
for Best Dried Arrangement."
The cat was hoist on his own petard while swinging from trees in the yard he did many tricks even pausing for licks but got hung out on his own leotard Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on
it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it
is a valuable plant. ~ Joan I'm a gardener and I'm OK I sleep all night and I plant all day! I dress in grubby clothing, and hang
around with slugs. Oh I'm happy in the garden With dirt and plants and bugs . . .
(to the tune of Monty
Python's "I'm a Lumberjack") Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled. A toddler who was found chewing on a
slug. After the initial surge of disgust the
parent said, "Well . . . What does it taste like?" "Worms," was the reply. Spring does not
arrive until the ice is out of the
compost heap. Winter does not
arrive until the ice is IN the compost.
Until then, all bets are off. ~
Ellen, MG. Another unwritten rule of gardening --
any self-respecting rock will break at
least one shovel before accepting its new
home. Compostaphile and Compostaphobe -- To rot
or not to rot . . . Headline: Dog attacks topiary cat. Sometimes what a man says, says more
about the man. Here is a quote from President George
Bush in 1990: "I do not like broccoli. And haven't
liked it since I was a little kid and my
mother made me eat it. I'm President of
the United States and I'm not going to eat
any more broccoli.". . . Umm! A weed is a plant that has mastered every
survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows. The four seasons are salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit
foul smells and don't work half the time.
Every garden is unique with a multitude of
choices of soils, plants and themes.
Finding your garden theme is as easy as
seeing what brings a smile to your face --
Teresa Watkins A good compost pile should get hot enough
to poach an egg, but not so hot it would cook a lobster. Gardening requires a lot of water - most
of it in the form of perspiration. A Veggie New Age Song: Peas would rule the planets, and love
would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of
Asparagus, age of asparagus The difference between weeds and flowers
is the weeds are the easiest ones to pull
out. What's green and walks through walls?
Casper the friendly cucumber.
Man at the market: "My
wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables.
Have these been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?"
"No," replied the gardener,"you'll
have to do that yourself." Really Bad Puns
1. My wife works over-thyme in her herb
garden before she decides it is time to
cummin. 2. Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the
miniature planting it. 3. I will cut the grass only when I get
Mowtivated. 4. The research assistant couldn't
experiment with plants because he hadn't
botany. 5. Old gardeners never die they just
vegetate. 6. Gardeners like to plant their feet
firmly. 7. If you're a gardener you might call
yourself a 'plant manager'.
More Jokes These jokes
I scooped from around the internet and
placed them here for convenience. If you
happen to be the originator of any of the
following, I will gladly give credit.
Home, Garden, and
Gardening Jokes
Gardening FAQs
Q: What do you
call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.
Q: What do you
call a country where the people drive only
pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What kind of
flowers grow in outer space?
A: Ipomoea alba, Helianthus annuus, Pentas
lanceolata, and Cosmos
(Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters,
Cosmos)
Q: What do you
get if you cross a four-leaf clover with
poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: Why don't
you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.
Q: What do you
call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks
and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.
Q: What insect
is musical?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you
call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.
Q: Everyone
knows how the Green Giant dresses when he
works in the field. But when he goes to a
corporate board meeting, what does he
usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
Gardener's
Dictionary
Coolant: An insect
that's, like, you know, got it all
together, dude.
Disbelief: How you tell
someone what the green stuff on a tree is.
Germinate: To become a
naturalized German.
Potash: All that's
left after you smoke the joint.
Relief: What a tree
does in the spring
Garden Trivia?
The pistol of a
flower is its only protection against
insects.
Dew is formed
on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms
always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.
Gardening Jokes
Once there was
a beautiful woman who loved to work in her
vegetable garden, but no matter what she
did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden,
which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes,
she went one day and inquired of him his
secret.
"It's really
quite simple," the old man explained.
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the
evening, I expose myself in front of the
tomatoes and they turn red with
embarrassment."
Desperate for
the perfect garden, she tried his advice
and proceeded to expose herself to her
plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and
her neighbor stopped by to check her
progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with
the tomatoes?"
"No," she
replied excitedly. "But you should see the
size of my cucumbers!"
There's one
good thing about snow, it makes your lawn
look as nice as your neighbor's.
I always
thought a yard was three feet, then I
started mowing the lawn.
Top Ten Signs
You Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn
10.He shows up
with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc
bag.
9. On the side
of his mower you notice the stenciled
silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops
frequently to nap inside the
grass-catcher.
7. Always
trying to impress you by stopping the
mower blades with his head.
6. You notice
him shoving the last of his clothes into
the mulcher.
5. He's
fascinated by the details of you home
security system.
4. Stops every
couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
3. Somehow
manages to mow the hood ornament off your
Lexus.
2. Turns a goat
loose and says he'll be back in three
weeks.
1. No toes.
How do "Keep
off the grass" signs get where they are?
"My neighbor
asked if he could use my lawnmower and I
told him of course he could, so long as he
didn't take it out of my garden."
Q: What do you
get when you cross a canary and a lawn
mower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Home, Garden, and
Gardening Jokes
Two men were
talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy
ORGANIC vegetables from the market
garden," said the first man.
"So were you
able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I
got to the market, I asked the gardener,
'These vegetables are for my wife. Have
they been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?'"
The first man
continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll
have to do that yourself.'"
The woman
applying for a job in a Florida lemon
grove seemed way too qualified for the
job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have
you any actual experience in picking
lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!"
she replied. "I've been divorced three
times."
One spring
morning, my husband and I were in the
garden looking at the flowers he had just
planted. As luck would have it, a bird
flew over us leaving his calling card on
my clean white shirt.
When I showed
my husband, he didn't miss a beat and
said, "You know, Dear, they sing for most
folks."
I used to
impale the heads of door-to-door sales
people on pikes in the garden as a warning
to others ... until I learned that it's
bad Feng Shui.
This guy was
watching television as his wife was out
cutting the grass during the hot summer.
He went out to ask his wife what was for
supper.
Well, his old
lady was quite irritated about him sitting
in the air conditioned house all day,
looking at the babes in the tight spandex,
doing their exercises. She shot back at
him, "Think of me as dead and do what you
would do if I was."
So, he went
back into the house and fixed himself a
big steak, baked potato, and a large glass
of iced tea. She walked in about the time
he was finishing up and asked, "So you
fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To
which he replied, "I thought you were
dead..."
Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all
for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
Q: Where did
the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.
Why Pumpkins Are
Better Than Men
1. Every year
you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter
what your mood, pumpkins are always ready
to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually
makes a better pie.
4. They are
always on the doorstep there waiting for
you!
5. If you don't
like the way he looks, you just carve up
another face.
6. If he starts
smelling up your place, you can just throw
him out.
7. From the
start, you know a pumpkin has an empty,
mush filled head.
8. A pumpkin is
turned on (lit-up) only when you want him
to be.
Q: What do you
get if you divide the circumference of a
pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What is the
difference between boogers and spinach?
A: You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
Did you hear
about the little sweet potato that fell
madly in love with Peter Jennings?
Her folks
wouldn't let her marry him 'cause he was
just a common tater.
"I think," said
the sweet potato, "therefore, I yam"
Q: What do you
get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out
of 100 you get an onion with long ears.
But, 1 time out of 100, you'll get a piece
of ass that makes your eyes water!
Q: Why did the
tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What do you
call a honeymoon salad?
A: Lettuce alone.
Q: What
vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.
Q: What is
green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.
Q: What
vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.
Q: Why do
potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Q. What
vegetable can you throw away the outside,
cook the inside, eat the outside, and
throw away the inside?
A. Corn.
Q: What's the
difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
