30 Ways to Tell if You've Been Canoeing Too Long
by Mitch Zimmer
1. You forget the name
of the river you're on.
2. You think you recognize
someone on the street and ask what canoe club he belongs to.
3. You describe your house
as being on road right.
4. You kneel while watching
T.V.
5. You can't associate the
word "strainer" with cooking utensils.
6. "Roll" is not
a type of bread.
7. A "brace" is
not a piece of medical equipment.
8. Your paddle has a name.
9. You're late for your wedding
and find yourself in dress clothes sliding down a river bank
checking the guage.
10. You go canoeing on New Year's
Day for the ice cream.
11. A gourmet meal consists of
Gorp and Gatorade.
12. You get a great deal on a used
car, but don't buy it because the colour clashes with your
canoe.
13. You think of garbage bags as
something warm and dry to wear.
14. Someone compliments you on
your new suit and you wonder whether they're referring
to the wet one or the dry one.
15. You have more money invested
in topo maps than stereo gear.
16. You pick out a new car solely
because the model still has rain gutters.
17. You never worry about getting
your feet wet in a rainstorm.
18. You start a phone chain when
it rains heavily on Friday.
19. You realize you have just traded
a vehicle that runs for a canoe.
20. You finish a trek and have
no idea what day it is.
21. You actually like the smell
of neoprene.
22. You want to try clothes on
at the mall and you strip down beside the clothes rack.
23. You have no doubt anything
can be fixed with duct tape.
24. Your doormat says "Put
In Here".
25. You carefully arrange your
garage to fit more canoes.
26. A painter is a type of line.
27. Calling your answering machine
gives water levels.
28. You think "heavy rain"
is a good weather report.
29. You can't understand why someone
would want an air bag in a car - or how it would
fit.
30. You see nothing strange about
carrying a canoe over a mile on a trail you wouldn't even
consider hiking on.